The Lady in the Law

Recently I was at a party with four men and two other women. A mixed group, it's true, but the guys dominated the conversation. I, being the silent type, didn't mind, and almost didn't notice until it occurred to me that the other two women, who are usually quite talkative, hadn't spoken in some time. I had simply been enjoying the banter and the humor, even when, God help me, it turned a bit raunchy. One of the girls, though, grew quite angry. She felt herself and the rest of us shut out of the conversation, there merely as ornaments, and sometimes not even that. Their humor had been disrespectful, their perspective often sexist. But if she had had her way, with the women more involved in the conversation, with our presence and views greeted with respect, what would we have discussed?

As a group, I'm afraid we have very little in common except the one thing that was loudly and lengthily discussed by the guys. And that is tiring. Dreadfully dull after a while, because it's impossible to get away from. Religion is, of course, another topic. But since we all have similar views, a religious discussion again becomes a shouting match with unchanging content, the purpose simply bravado. Literature? Hardly - we don't read, we don't have time. Music? I couldn't discuss pop music, and who's been to a recent concert? Hardly anyone I know has even seen an opera, let alone seen as many as I have. Philosophy? Too theoretical. Imagine launching into such a conversation - "What is your opinion of Kant's Categorical Imperative as rephrased by Dawkins?" Politics? We're again, all the same.

The only thing we all have in common is the law, and that inevitably descends into rhetoric, arguments, and showing off. The guys love it. The girls are marginalized unless they love being combative, too.

I'm not sure it's a lack of respect. Perhaps a lack of delicacy, a lack of sensitivity, and a dreadfully narrow focus in life.

In such an environment, it's impossible to survive as a lady, which I think this girl is attempting, unless you change the environment, force the conversation around, force a different perspective, a different philosophy. And I'm not sure whether that can be done.

Pride and Prejudice: Accomplished Women

The Accomplished Woman

No discussion of a "standard" would be complete without a reference to Jane Austen's description of the "accomplished woman." So here, from Pride and Prejudice, is the scene:

"How I long to see [Miss Darcy] again!" [said Miss Bingley] I never met with anybody who delighted me so much. Such a countenance, such manners! and so extremely accomplished for her age! Her performance on the pianoforte is exquisite."

"It is amazing to me," said Bingley, "how young ladies can have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are."

"All young ladies accomplished! My dear Charles, what do you mean?"

"Yes, all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover skreens, and net purses. I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time, without being informed that she was very accomplished."

"Your list of the common extent of accomplishments," said Darcy, "has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse or covering a skreen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half-a-dozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished."

"Nor I, I am sure," said Miss Bingley.

"Then," observed Elizabeth, "you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman."

"Yes, I do comprehend a great deal in it."

"Oh! certainly," cried his faithful assistant, "no one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half-deserved."

"All this she must possess," added Darcy, "and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading."

"I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any."

"Are you so severe upon your own sex as to doubt the possibility of all this?"

"I never saw such a woman. I never saw such capacity, and taste, and application, and elegance, as you describe united."

Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley both cried out against the injustice of her implied doubt, and were both protesting that they knew many women who answered this description, when Mr. Hurst called them to order, with bitter complaints of their inattention to what was going forward. As all conversation was thereby at an end, Elizabeth soon afterwards left the room.

"Eliza Bennet," said Miss Bingley, when the door was closed on her, "is one of those young ladies who seek to recommend themselves to the other sex by undervaluing their own; and with many men, I dare say, it succeeds. But, in my opinion, it is a paltry device, a very mean art."

"Undoubtedly," replied Darcy, to whom this remark was chiefly addressed, "there is meanness in all the arts which ladies sometimes condescend to employ for captivation. Whatever bears affinity to cunning is despicable."

Miss Bingley was not so entirely satisfied with this reply as to continue the subject.

Rusalka muses: Whatever does Miss Bingley mean by "certain something"? I long to know... And "accomplished woman" is perhaps an answer to the first dilemma, though it's interchangeable with "accomplished lady." Perhaps not so helpful after all.

The Standard of Lady

The blog "The Art of Manliness" seems to have struck a chord with so many of my friends. Finally! they say, what a real Man should be! Strong, courteous, a man of the world and of the home.

But where's the "Art of Womanliness"? Or the "Art of Being a Lady"? In fact, we're faced with two dilemmas.

First, what is it we want to be? "Woman" has too strong a tone, almost masculine after the feminist revolution of the last century. It has none of the grace and beauty we associate with "Lady." But "Lady" has little of the strength we want from womanhood and too much of the superficiality of the pretty, little decorations ladies apparently used to be. The Ideal is in-between, or combines both. But we don't have a word to describe it.

Which leads us to the second dilemma. Without a word, a concept, how is it to be measured? Is there a standard for the "Real Lady"? Who exemplifies it? Real men can be found - we know them, usually in an older generation. But when we think of a "real lady," no one comes to mind.

Perhaps we are too "hard upon our own sex"; perhaps we have set the bar too high, placed "woman" on a pedestal and fallen in love with an ideal. If so, this blog is an attempt to make Galatea come to life. To find her, first - to create her if we need to. And then to see if she does and can exist in this post-modern, post-feminist, post-deconstructionist, post-aristocratic, egalitarian world.

This blog is in search of the standard.